i feel so distant from the ground. from people, reality....

i don't wanna go there. i wanna be here. but why? i'm scared. to face the pain. no, it's not that bad, face it olis!!!

i don't want to hold it in anymore. i don't care what anyone thinks, i'm gonna take the time today to let it go, cause i can't let this stay in anymore.

how? where do i start, or where can i start?

does it really get out and lessen? or is it just that immediate feeling of relief i get that lasts for up to a day but comes back? well, if that's all that is possible, i have to work with all i can get. what else is there?

i'm beautiful. :) i feel sick, it's annoying. i miss my mom. i'm angry that my ptsd symptoms get in the way of ,my daily life. you know, it's interruptive. bothersome... but that's just the hurt pat of my yelling,right? i have to listen, it has to be heard. cause if not, it'll find a way to scream out one way or another even in a worse way.

i have an appt with karen today, i don't care to go because i don't wanna change my diet right now, i'm fine with it. if i wanted to, i've learned how to. i just wanna see my weight. but i don't wanna go anywhere today, and i'm depressed kind of. especially, all the way to camarillo on the bus?! and staying for cyc?? i don't feel well emotionally or physically. poop.i haven't seen kim since last mon. it's hard... these feelings are paralyzing.


I'm forgetting the sound of your voice,
What happened to your laughter?
What I wouldn't give just to hear you yell at me again!

I want to forget your face,
I can't stand the way you looked lying there.
You did not seem to see me, you never again would.

I'm losing your scent,
Why can't I find you?
I'll never recognize you.

I cannot forget what I miss most.
If you would only hug me right now!
I would let you go, I swear. I'll say bye this time.
I'll move on.
I'll make something of myself, but I refuse to forget.


Mom, I've found something. I found what I want. I know, I feel I'm being unfair, betraying you, that I can't let you go. I feel I'm throwing you behind. But, I'm not, if you knew how happy i was, you'd understand that i'm not leaving or forgetting you. this is normal, and right. i want this, i love him mom. yeah, no matter what happens, i'll be okay. you'll always be with me mom, and he will be here by my side. i mean, as long as he wants to, and that he respects me. nothing's perfect but i can make it mom. i'll remember you. i do love you.

i know that it is i who keeps the pain going. noone else. that is impossible. mom can very well be okay with this. i feel guilty.

no, i'm not. i'm an adult, 19 years old. it's time for my own decisions and life!! i know what all that i want. i know what the hell i want!!! i can have it! i fuckin deserve it!! hey, you hear me inner roomate??? i AM good enough for the life i want . i deserve the best!!!! i love me. noone can convince me otherwise especially you. cause i know where you come fomr. as far as i'm concerned, you're confused, mixed up, make no sense, should not be listened to. don't be scared. i'll be just fine. i'm strong, resilient, beautiful, level-headed, intelligent, sociable, loveable, compassionate, likeable. :)